Simone Biles revealed on social media that she recently did some car shopping after her Porsche was stolen.
It was recovered, but what is she supposed to do? Drive around in a Porsche that had some car thief cruising around in it?
Hell no.
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The former Olympic gymnast broke the news to her TikTok followers the way all news is broken on that platform: while applying makeup.
Biles revealed that her ride was lifted from her Chicago-area home.
“I feel like I need a new car because during our last few months in Chicago, three men in masks came to our house and stole our Porsche. Stole the GTS,” she said.
Now, she didn’t specify which model Porsche, but the GTS is a high-performance trim and not generally the sort of thing you see soccer moms wheeling into the unnecessarily tight Trader Joe’s parking lot.
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Respect on that front.
Fortunately, the car owned by her and her husband, Indianapolis Colts safety Jonathan Owens, was recovered.
Unfortunately, there aren’t enough pine-scented fresheners in the world to get rid of the stink that comes with having your car stolen.
Also, it shows up on the ol’ Carfax report. That’s going to hurt the Porsche’s trade-in value, although people will still line up to buy Biles’ once-stolen Porsche.
Now, there’s a case to be made that this is a little out of touch. A strong, compelling case.
But I get it.
If three masked fellas broke into my garage and made off with my mint-condish, sensibly rugged 2025 Ford Bronco Sport (hey, I always catch people eye-balling it), I’d have a tough time driving it.
I still would, of course. I can’t just go buy a new car because my old one’s feng shui is off, but I get it.
This is not the Biles-Owens household’s first run-in with thievery. Back in February, while in Milan for the Winter Olympics, Owens posted on X that someone had tried to steal his shopping bag out of his hand.
However, it appears he kept whatever was in the bag and didn’t go buy a replacement.