‘Nightcaps’ is a daily column that catches you up on the biggest sports, news and culture stories you may have missed while pretending to do work at your desk. It runs Monday–Friday on OutKick.com.
Over the hump and safely into the second half of the week. Whew. We made it!
More importantly … we MADE it. It’s back. It’s here. Our long, national nightmare is over. Put all the WNBA talk in the attic until next summer. The greatest sport on the planet is back after a long, dark winter.
Sure, it doesn’t mean anything and we won’t know any of the players, but Lordy, it’s finally here …
The Patriot Games begin this weekend!
Wait, what? That’s right. You can have your Hall of Fame game, NFL. In this class, we’re locked in on Donald Trump’s “Patriot Games.” You’ll see.
Welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps — the one where Danica Patrick shows off her six-pack and deals with a couple nasty internet trolls.
What else? I’ve got ESPN and Disney extending the White House an olive branch, the wildest celebration in MLB history was uncorked last night, and the Phillies yanked a fan out of the crowd last night to do play-by-play in the radio booth, and he might just be the greatest announcer I’ve ever heard.
Sometimes, you’re just born to play a role.
OK, grab you an IPA on National IPA Day to celebrate the NFL’s return tonight, and settle in for a Thursday ‘Cap!
Loaded day, so let’s get this class started.
Welcome back, NFL. Sure, it’s the Hall of Fame game, which means literally nobody of note will be playing, but whatever. Last I checked, the folks in Vegas still send you money for preseason games!
On that note, I will gladly hammer the over tonight. I haven’t placed a bet in months. I have $7 left in my Hard Rock account after last football season (it went great, clearly), and I plan to throw it all on the OVER at 34.5 points.
Kenny Pickett can sling the rock. At the very least, he won’t be an insurance salesman a month from now. That means something in a game like this.
No offense to those in the insurance game, by the way. I spent my formidable high school years filing papers at the local Allstate branch.
You’re in good hands!
Anyway, I can’t wait to start the year 0-1! A tradition unlike any other.
Now, on a more serious note … did anyone here know the “Patriot Games” were starting this weekend? Of course you didn’t.
But they are, and they just got an unlikely partner in the form of ESPN and Disney:
Look at the lineup! We’ve got kickball, dodgeball, tug-o-war, pop-a-shot (!!!) and, of course, some variation of the tried and true Presidential Fitness Test.
All on the ESPN app and ABC. Amazing.
For those who missed it last December (all of you), Trump announced these “Patriot Games” as part of America’s 250th birthday. One boy and girl from each state will be represented.
From the official release:
“Freedom 250 announced that the 2026 Patriot Games will bring together outstanding young Americans from across the nation to compete, inspire, and showcase the values that have shaped the United States for nearly 250 years.
“The competition will award a $250,000 scholarship prize pool to one male and one female champion, creating life-changing opportunities for young Americans while inspiring millions across the country.”
Anyone here remember the old fitness tests in PE? Goodness, what a time to be alive. We had the mile run. The pull-up bar. Sit-ups. Push-ups. The stupid one-arm hang.
Just the best.
Lordy. Were those the days, or what? We had it all, folks.
Anyway, ESPN and Disney putting all of this on their network(s) is no small feat considering they don’t exactly get along with the Trump Administration.
Something to do with Jimmy Kimmel, if I remember correctly!
Perhaps this is an olive branch? A way to get back in the good graces of the current president? Not the craziest idea in the world.
Regardless, I’ll be locked in on some high school kickball come Sunday afternoon. Can’t wait.
Moving on …
From the Patriot Games to an American patriot, Danica Patrick!
That’s two cameos in the past week from Danica Patrick. Last week, we had her debuting some new-fangled “double-bikini” look in Europe, and now she’s back on the beach showing America that she’d undoubtedly crush the fitness test.
Some folks hopped in Danica’s comments section and voiced some concern:
“OK. I get TRIM and FIT. But like anything…all things in moderation. Honestly…y’all need some carbs and protein. A couple Double Doubles with Cheese, Fries and a Chocolate Shake once or twice a week won’t hurt,” said one fan.
“Omgosh, someone grab her some tacos,” added another.
Said a third: “Someone needs to take you to dinner.”
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Piss off, internet. Sorry Danica’s ripped at 44. I think she’ll be just fine. She seems to be in a fairly good spot right now, given her months-long vacation in Europe.
No Danica slander in this class. Not on my watch.
OK, let’s rapid-fire this Thursday class into a big Thursday night of football … and baseball!
Speaking of … We had a couple incredible moments out of the league last night, including a rookie pitcher making his debut in Cleveland, and a rookie broadcaster making his in Philly:
Goodness gracious. Where do I even begin?
Next on the docket? Let’s go ahead and check the mail before the final bell.
From Michael P:
Zach, it was fun watching the evolution of the SNF theme song through the years. Remember P!nk from 2006? Faith Hill from 2007-2013? There was a different song that was used from 2016-2018 before the original song came back in 2019.
It was also cool to see Joan Jett playing lead guitar in 2019. You may not realize that the melody of the SNF theme song was taken from the Joan Jett song “I Hate Myself For Loving You” from the 1980’s. Thanks for the walk down memory lane.
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Thanks, Mike! That’s obviously in response to yesterday’s class in which we combed through a YouTube video showing every single version of the “Sunday Night Football” open from 2006-2020.
The “different song” Mike’s referring to was the infamous, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Sunday night!” version with Carrie Underwood. It was horrible. Why do network’s insist on messing with things that work?
Naturally, NBC went back to the “Waiting all day for a Sunday night” in 2019, and it remains untouched today.
Don’t ever touch it again, NBC. Please. And don’t you dare replace Carrie Underwood, either. She has a lifetime contract.
OK, that’s it for today. Solid Thursday, everyone. Welcome back, football.
And welcome back, Lindsey Vonn!
See you tomorrow.
What was your best mile run in PE? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.