If you’ve ever dated someone who stopped reaching out and responding to texts, without any conversation about ending the relationship, you’ve been ghosted.
“Ghosting,” or the sudden absence or unresponsiveness of a potential partner, is more than just feeling ignored by someone you’re interested in, according to Monica Ricci, a Georgia-based relationship coach — it’s a complete disappearance without closure.
Why do people ghost? Ricci suggested it’s a “classic avoidance behavior.”
“It’s the same reason we procrastinate — we’re avoiding some kind of discomfort,” she said.
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“It could be a fear of having a really hard conversation. It could be not wanting to disappoint a person,” Ricci went on. “Someone could ghost because they just don’t care enough. They’re just not invested enough that they believe it [would] warrant communicating to say, ‘Hey, this isn’t working for me.'”
Those who do the ghosting may feel a sudden sense of relief, according to Ricci, but may also have lingering guilt around how the relationship was left unfinished.
A new paper based on three studies, published in Sage Journals, suggests people who are ghosted underestimate the guilt and remorse felt by those who cut off contact.
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“There’s a part of you that may know that wasn’t the best way to handle it,” Ricci said. “And so it may stay with you a lot longer because it calls into question the kind of person you want to be.”
It’s easy to take ghosting personally, she noted.
“But the truth is, if you’re being ghosted, it says more about the person who ghosted you and their ability to have honest communication, their ability to step up in an uncomfortable situation and really choose their behavior over their discomfort.”
After a ghosting, the brain will automatically begin searching for patterns and answers to “make things make sense,” Ricci said.
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At some point, moving forward means accepting that you may never get an explanation and recognizing that being ghosted is not a reflection of your worth, according to the expert.
“If a person can’t have a conversation with you at the beginning of a relationship that is honest and frank, they probably weren’t your person anyway,” she added.
Ricci, whose expertise is based on the Gottman Method — an approach to couples therapy focused on building emotional intimacy, improving communication and managing conflict — said seemingly difficult conversations can be easier than people expect.
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“When you want to communicate that this dating relationship is not a good fit anymore, it’s easiest to be very direct and brief,” she said.
This can be as simple as sending a text saying, “I have enjoyed getting to know you. I’m not feeling the kind of connection that I need to move forward, and I wish you all the best in finding a great match.”
“You’re honest, you’re truthful, you’re not making it about them being a bad person,” she said. “You’re saying, ‘I’m just not feeling the kind of connection I need to move forward.'”
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Although being forthright is the respectful option, it’s not possible to control how the other person will feel or react, Ricci noted.
“And this is sometimes where the ghosting comes from – we don’t want to make someone feel bad,” she said. “It’s this illusion that we have some control over how a person feels … But the reality is the least painful and kindest option is to just be direct.”
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However, in a situation where you are being harassed, stalked or abused, ghosting may be the safest option, Ricci emphasized.
“If someone is treating you really poorly, or harassing you, or stalking you … ghosting is absolutely the most appropriate,” she said. “Cutting a person off completely, not responding, is the safest, smartest way to go.”